We Need Some New Olympic Events

My View by Jim Yacavone

(August 21, 2016)

             I watched a lot more of this year’s Olympics I have in a long, long time. You can do that when you’re retired. While I miss the good old Cold War days when Russia and East Germany were our primary rivals, these Olympics have been entertaining.

We don’t appreciate how talented the Olympic athletes are. I saw a suggestion recently that each Olympic event should include a contestant who is just an average schmoe so we have a baseline to measure the performance of the athletes. It’s not a bad idea. It has the added advantage of injecting a little humor into the Olympics. I’d like to see the average American male attempt the pole vault or shot putt. I’d pay good money to see Rosie O’Donnell on the uneven bars or the balance beam. 

What we really need are some Olympic events taken from real life. At the very least it would make average viewers feel like they have a chance of competing.

I propose that the host country be allowed to create a limited number of Olympic events that are representative of the location where the games are being held. For instance, the Rio Olympics could have held an event like the 100 meter dysentery dash where the contestants have to run to a porta-potty after drinking the water. Another event could have been the timed wallet heist. The winner is the person who gets his or her wallet or purse stolen on the streets of Rio in the shortest time.

If the Olympics were held in North Georgia there are several contests that could be featured. I’d like to see the 10 pound chitlin toss where contestants compete to see how far they can throw a 10 pound box of frozen chitlins. A 4 x 100 meter relay with a live chicken would be an exciting event. One problem is that we may have difficulty finding anyone who knows how far 100 meters is. This is still a feet and inches place.

How about the stationary boiled goober jump? The object of the contest is to see how far a person can jump from a sitting position when a bag of hot boiled peanuts is spilled on his or her lap. Another good event would be the yellow jacket triple jump contest where contestants compete to see how far they can hop, skip and jump backwards after stepping on a yellow jacket nest.

Suppose the Olympics were held in any American city where there there has been rioting? You could have the 50 meter large screen television snatch and grab where the contestants have to run 50 meters, leap through a broken storefront window, grab a 50 inch large screen TV and return to the finish line.

How about the 110 meter police barricade hurdles? It’s like the 110 meter high hurdles but with police barricades and tear gas.

Then there’s the 200 meter K9 dash where the contestants have to run 200 meters through back yards with an angry police dog at their heels. Any sort of contest involving tasers would be highly entertaining. I’d certainly stay up past my bedtime to see the finals.

Imagine if the Olympics were held in Chicago. You could have the 40 yard dead man’s carry where Democrats compete to see who can carry the most dead voters to the polls to vote for Hillary Clinton.

The possibilities are endless, and the events would be a lot more entertaining than the rhythmic dance or the 10 meter air rifle competition.

That’s my view. What’s yours?